I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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