Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
