I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
