for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize