Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Randomize
