My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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