Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
