TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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