My sheets look like a crime scene.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
