Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
