Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
