bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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