Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
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