mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so let's talk penis.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
