I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
