I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I supernannyed him into submission
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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