i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
