Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
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