I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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