im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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