I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
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