Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Couch. On fire.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
