I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
