Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
this boner is exhausting
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
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