I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
