Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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