I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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