he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
