Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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