She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
