I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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