She's JV to your varsity
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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