I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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