Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
