I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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