Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
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