ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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