Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
