I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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