Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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