hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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