You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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