Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
