apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
