If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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