Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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