and she was petting her beer can
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
