Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
