last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
