looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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