I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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