Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
