why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
i out mim tonsoeep
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
