If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
