The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
