I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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