come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
