So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
