It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
