why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
