I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
